So, I think we can all agree that women are (on average) more judgmental than men. That being said, it makes sense that mothers (of all ages) are quite possibly the most judgmental creatures on the planet (even worse than teen girls). When you become a mother, you also become a "Mommy Monster". An Uber-Judgemental Know-It-All who judges the crap out of every choice other mothers make. I too am a Mommy Monster (and if you are saying "Oh, that's not me" then you are in denial, sister!).
It seems like whenever I go out in public my "Mommy Monster" radar is along for the ride. "Did that lady just give that toddler a bottle?!" "Is that mom SERIOUSLY letting her small son get THAT movie" "Did you look at that cart?! Full of processed junk!!". I hate it. It's so bitchy of me. Why do I even care?
It's part of our culture. Just spend an afternoon watching TLC and you are encouraged to judge every mother featured on that channel. We judge Kate Gosselin for being a super high strung crazy eyed mom. We judge Michelle Duggar for having too many kids. We judge all those pageant moms for spray tanning their young girls. So why wouldn't we judge each other for all the insignificant choices each of us make for our own children. We are addicted to judging other moms, and it seriously needs to stop.
Like I said before, I absolutely judge other moms. And I know other moms judge me. However, I think it's a giant waste of of our time and energy. We gotta be saving this energy up to make it out of the teenage years alive (and with our grace and dignity intact).
Here is an EXTENSIVE list of all the judgements I see on a daily basis (and yes, I have definitely judged some of these too):
Pierce your baby's ears-Judged.
Let your boy have long hair- Judged
Chose formula over breastmilk- Judged
Breastfeed your baby into toddler hood- Judged
Let them eat sugar: Judged
Don't let them eat sugar- Judged
Vaccinate- Judged
Don't Vaccinate/Delay Vaccinations- Judged
Go back to work- Judged
Stay at home with your kids- Judged
Let them cry it out- Judged
Let them sleep in your bed- Judged
Circumcise- Judged
Don't Circumcise- Judged
Have the TV on during the day- Judged
Your kids don't know who Dora is- Judged
Elective C-Section- Judged
Planned Homebirth- Judged
Public over Private School- Judged
Homeschooling- Judged
Use Tylenol- Judged
Use Homeopathy- Judged
Lose your cool in public- Judged
Let your child have a tantrum in public- Judged
Bring a baby on an airplane- Judged
Bring your baby in a movie theater- Judged
Bring your baby to a restaurant- Judged
Your kids play multiple sports (at the same time)- Judged
Your kids don't play sports- Judged
Had a baby at 16- Judged
Had a baby at 40- Judged
Chose to only have 1 child- Judged
Chose to have 6+ children- Judged
Kids are in daycare- Judged
Kids have a nanny- Judged
Single mom- Judged
Same sex parents raising a child- Judged
Kids still up at 9pm- Judged
School age child still takes a nap- Judged
Let a boy wear pink- Judged
Let a girl dress "boyish"- Judged
Your kids have dirty faces- Judged
Your kids don't like to get dirty- Judged
18 months old and still not walking?- Judged
2 years old and still not talking?- Judged
Kid leashes- Judged
Let your child touch things in the store?- Judged
Hyperactive kid- Judged
Still use a rear facing carseat AFTER 2 years?- Judged
Stopped rear facing before 2 years?- Judged
It's cold outside and your kid isn't wearing a hat- Judged
Kids buy lunch- Judged
You make a lunch from scratch every day- Judged
Battery operated toys? -Judged
Only wooden toys?- Judged
Pay retail for all your kids clothing- Judged
Your kid only wears hand me downs- Judged
Your 5 year old has a cell phone?- Judged
This list could literally go on and on...and how ridiculous is that?!
Now, let's be honest. How many of those choices affect us or our own kids directly? Answer: None of them. So, why in the world do we care so much about the choices of other mothers?
I have a theory:
Every mother wants to know that the choices she has made are the best ones for her child/children. So, when we see someone doing the opposite of what we would do, we automatically think "Oh Wow, that is the WRONG choice." What we are forgetting to add to that sentence is "for me and my child" at the end. Just because someone makes a different choice than you, doesn't make it a bad choice. It might be a bad choice for YOU, but you aren't them (and you have NO IDEA what is best for them). As mothers, we are always facing that horrible "mommy guilt"(you know what I'm talking about). Am I doing the right thing? What if every thing I thought was "good" turns out horribly wrong?! We're constantly plagued by insecurities in our parenting methods (and our parenting choices) because everyone around us is constantly judging us and telling us how wrong we are. So in turn, we judge every other mother we see to "reaffirm" that the choices that we have made are "the right ones." It's a vicious circle, people!
Now for a solution:
Own your choices! Be proud of them. If you have put thought into the way you want to raise your child chances are you are doing a good job! Now, for the tricky part: recognize that you are not the only person who has put thought into your parenting choices. That lady who just put her kid in a time out in the middle of Target, she knows what she's doing. That other lady who just threw a "pretend" tantrum in the next aisle over to commiserate with her toddler also knows what she's doing. You are not the only one with the right answers. As concerned, loving, mothers, we all have the right answers; they just happen to differ from each other. Respect each other and celebrate our differences! Stop hating!
Now, I know it is absolutely impossible to stop judging people (I do it All. The. Time, yuck) . It's human nature. But the next time you see a mom (or read about it on Facebook) who is making a choice you wouldn't make, ask yourself: Why do I care? Does this affect me? Is that child in any real danger? Then, flash a polite smile (maybe a nod of the head too) and walk away. Get your Mommy Monster in check!
It is our own responsibilities as mothers to educate ourselves on the choices we want to make for the well being of ourselves and our families. It is not our responsibility to educate every other mother we run in to. They are big girls, they can handle a little "Google Search". If someone asks your opinion on something, great! If not, that's fine too! Any mother will tell you, silence is always appreciated over nonsensical words. Always.
At the end of the day, all that matters is that our children know they are loved, feel safe and secure, and have all of their basic needs met. Everything else can just flutter away.
and that, was my rant. :)
I can't vouch for motherhood but I understand the concept since it works with everything we do. I think that another major player in judging is fear. Fear that maybe the choices we have made aren't the perfect one. We feel afraid that someone may be making a better decision, maybe one that we hadn't thought of. We sometimes feel jealous that we don't think we have the freedom to make that choice. The easiest way to get rid of these feelings are to discount it as stupid, crazy, possibly criminal!
ReplyDeleteSo, along with trying to bite your tongue and stop from judging, people should also consider the source of those feelings. There are many times that I try something that I view in a poor light to get an idea of why someone would do it. In a surprising amount of circumstances, I learned new and better ways of doing things in this way.
So wise. Are you sure you aren't someone's mother? ;)
ReplyDeleteThat was very well said Abbie. I agree with Damien with what he said about fear driving our judgements a lot of the time. We see someone else do it a different way and we feel like we have to make a judgement...are we doing it wrong, or are they doing it wrong? Surely it has to be one or the other, doesn't it? No, it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely believe there are absolutes in this world ;-) , but most of the daily choices we make are not those absolutes. To work in the home or work an outside job, to cloth diaper or use pampers, to breastfeed and for how long, to force potty training or not, these are not rights and wrongs...they are just different ways decided upon for different reasons.
Another thing I try to remind myself of is that, no matter what it looks like to me, I have no idea of that other person's life or of what may be driving their decisions about how they need to do things. There may be challenges they are facing that we know nothing about.
At any rate, yeah, it's a waste of time and energy to constantly be watching other people and judging them and how they do things. And I also think we'd be pleasantly surprised to know how many people are not judging us, but just thinking, "There's a great family!"
Enjoyed your post. Isn't it so true. We truly have to think outside of ourselves and understand that other's choices are their's and not ours. Great insight.
ReplyDelete